Desert Time

One more week until my vacation.  It will be a time of rejuvinating my energy, reconnecting with family and friends and dog, and some healing.  I am still attached to the same girl after 11 months of wishing there was some sort of future.  we had a blast as friends but never got to be anything else.  At least I have the closure of knowing I tried my best and that she knows how i feel.  She is leaving for the convent, so I guess I move on.  If possible.  I still think that God is just bringing her there to change her mind about her true vocation.  

 I sometimes felt like I couldn't blog because I wanted to avoid this sort of topic, but that just led to no posts.  it was like the elephant in the room that everyone knew was there, but nobody talked about because it was awkward.  only i was the only one in the room, and I was staring at the elephant all the time while trying to think about other things to write about.  I will probably delete this post eventually, which i knot necessarily believe in, but sometimes these things happen.

Sometimes I feel like I am ready for a life that isn't ready for me yet.  

two things that keep me going are "right person, wrong time" and "she loves me, she just doesn't know it yet."  

A neighbor/friend came over the other day and talked to my roommate about being a father and husband.  the main point was that he can accomplish more now around the house than he could when he was single because of this "father strength" that comes from an unexplainable location.  today i found myself doing yardwork and thinking about that girl.  I could definitely tell a difference in my desire to work and my strength and skill when I thought of her being happy with the home I had made.  

About 2 weeks ago, I said goodbye for good.  (at least as far as we know).  she pulled into the driveway and i gave her a hug, then looked at her and the scariest thing popped into my head.  I may never lay eyes on this girl again-this girl who is the most beautiful and holy and pure and wonderful, this girl who i am in love with, and who changed and blessed my life.  And then i started crying.  A few days later, i realized that by thinking of that moment, of thinking that I may have gazed upon my true love for the last time, that I could make myself cry whenever I wanted.  (then I decided to go into acting because that is a talent most people do not have.)

So there it is.  I spoke about the metaphorical elephant in the room.  now i have cleared the air for much more normal topics like my house and vacations and my future and religion and everything the Lord has blessed me with.

Lastly, I must say.  Back in January, when it seemed like a relationship was not going to happen, I really wanted her to go away to the convent so she could get her answer and get her closure.  I figured if she did not, she would always wonder.  so in a way, this is what I wanted (as a sidenote, I want what is best for her.  I mean that if this did not happen she could never have fully been free, if that makes sense).  I just never thought it would truly happen, that she would want to but never go through with it.

Everything is on God's time, but its hard not to get caught up with the waiting. 

You know, sometimes you just have nothing to say.  Sometimes you have something to say, but don't feel like talking. And sometimes you have something to say but just don't know how to say it.  Well, it was a mix of all three.  I have been lost, confused, and surprised.  My faith has been wavering. My heart has been broken. 

Now something new has broken my heart. I do not understand it, nor do I know if I ever will.  Two nights ago, my roommate went over to our new friend's apartment across the way.  I had just gone to bed.  My roommate came back and said he had some bad news.  Nate is dead.  The police were at his apartment, and we went back over to try to get answers and to help them figure things out.  Nothing makes sense with it, but maybe someday we will get some answers.  Now we just remember him fondly.He had a wonderful heart and was one of the most welcoming people I have met. 

I pray that the Lord welcomes him in with Nate's baptism of desire.  He was just a few days away from going to Mass for the first time, and looking into becoming Catholic.  

Nate, you will be missed, and you are Loved. 

I wrote this poem a few weeks back and decided to go ahead and post it.  I never really felt like it was finished, and it felt kinda elementary but oh well, deal with it!  I'm pretty sure most people have been here at some point in their lives--hope you enjoy.

never in a hundred years is what i thought a few years ago
i closed my eyes when sparks would fly and thought it wasn't so.
I looked at her with eyes of love but these eyes did not see
the real love i've carried for her deep inside of me

I know shes the one, she knows that i'm wrong
I'd write her a poem, but she needs a song.
I didn't know it til now but i loved all along
with a feeling this right how can it be wrong?

one particular moment, I can pinpoint it, yes
when I felt my heart leap straight out my chest.
dozens of friends but I saw just one
we danced and we talked and had way too much fun.

I know shes the one, she knows I'm not right
maybe one day she'll know in her sleep at night
that possibly, conceivably, maybe, she might
have been wrong about me and i have been right.

i look at her with eyes of love but these eyes do not see-
a girl who knows that she's in love when she turns her eyes to me.

I see her with love, she sees not the same way
I'll just have to wait 'til that day is today
I'll just have to wait 'til someday is today.

Yes, i am a few weeks late on this one, but i decided to post a year in review from last year.  And sorry to be a broken record, but for real, I am motivated by comments from you readers.  maybe you will inspire me to write something really awesome!

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Moved across the country with the intent on it being permanent.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't make resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Eric and Katie, Nick R., Ricky, Brindy

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope

5. What countries did you visit?
Just US of A

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
A new house and a fiancee.  I would even settle for a girlfriend.

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
My sister's wedding on October 14, and I don't remember the date, but the moment of the cardinals winning the series.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Finishing my goal of seeing all 50 states.  and doing it with style.
A close second is Scoring a really cool job with great opportunities for advancement.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I wanted to finally buy an engagement ring.  Every year I put one in my budget, but have never gotten to get one.  Well, maybe my biggest failure was not being able to convince my parents to let me take my dog with me to Arizona.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, but I have fully healed from my ankle injury from 2005

11. What was the best thing you bought?
This one is a tie.  My eye surgery for perfect vision, and my 50 inch Hi definition big screen TV

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My sister and Jonathan, for giving one of the greatest gifts ever.  A happy 50 cake (when i got my 50 states, they had a cake all ready for me to wish me congratulation).

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
****, (I guess I shouldn't use her name) for deciding not to talk to me when all I was trying to get was a little closure.  Also whoever broke my window of my car and stole my backpack filled with personal things but nothing of financial value.  A real butt-munch.

14. Where did most of your money go?
eye surgery

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My "50 cake"

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
maybe "far away" by Nickelback.  only time will tell.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? in general happier, but presently sadder.
ii. thinner or fatter? Unfortunately thinner
iii. richer or poorer? mos def richer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Reading the Bible

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying about things I can't control.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I woke up early Christmas morning to work from 5 until 2:30, then came home and ate some hot pockets or something alone.  it was kinda sad.

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Its hard to pinpoint the moment.  Might have been 2007, and it might not have happened at all.  Its hard to say if it is love, especially when it is almost surely leading nowhere.

23. How many one-night stands?
Definitely none.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
how i met your mother

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No.

26. What was the best book you read?
Did I read the Da Vinci code last year?  I don't really read much.

27. What was your greatest musical (re)discovery?

didnt really have one that I know of. 

28. What did you want and get?
a job and a place to live

29. What did you want and not get?
my dog and someone to call my lover.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
Surely the Prestige.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I worked for 16 hours and then went to Whataburger.  Actually this is depressing.  all these supposed big moments, like birthday, Christmas, and New years i didn't do anything worth while.  Thank you, survey, for pointing that out.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Divine intervention which I am still waiting on.  (I'm still hoping, Big Guy!)

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
I get older and my clothes stay the same.  Totally seriously, I did a clothing inventory the other day.  out of about 80 shirts, I only paid for 7 of them, and 2 were from goodwill.  The rest were free or gifts or hand me downs.  Pretty lame.

34. What kept you sane?
Music was my sanity and also has driven me crazy some lately.  My dog used to be my fill-in girlfriend, but he is still in St. Louis.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Not really any anymore.  that was more of a thing from when I was younger.  Maybe Robin from How I met Your Mother

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
That the smoking tax did not pass in california i guess. 

37. Who did you miss?
My family, my best friend, and my dog.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Not sure.  No new friends stand way out as super awesome.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
If you have to preface it by saying "I'm sorry, but..." it is not the right time to say "...I love you." (by the way this did not happen, it only ran through my mind and prevented me from saying it)

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"you you you can never say that im not the one who really loves you. i pray pray pray every day that you'll see things, girl like i do." -Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson in "Say Say Say"

The season of meaningful football games is upon us.  Before I lose all you non-sports fans, this isn't a story about football.  It is a story about a boy wanting to be accepted but struggling with peer pressure and low confidence.

It had been tradition that whichever team won the Big 8 (now the Big 12) conference goes on to play in the Orange Bowl.  To signify this, after the first Tiger points of the season, the fans would throw oranges on the field as a symbol of good things to come…  

Flash back to the year 2000 (I think).  It was my birthday weekend, Labor day weekend.  My parents were in town at Mizzou to wish me a happy birthday and to watch a Tigers football game.

my parents got tickets oh about 2 sections over and about 20 rows back from my season tickets.  I sat wearing my MU Tigers hockey jersey and tiger tail alongside some friends from Newman, some of whom had long hair or twin brothers.  The Tigers kicked a field goal (3 points) and my "friends" start passing out the oranges from the bag they smuggled into the stadium.  I stood, contemplating what to do.  "what if I am the only one throwing an orange?  Do I throw it as far as I can?"

Anyway, I look around and dozens of oranges are flying overhead and onto the field.  I make up my mind and give it a heave.  The long haired friend (we will call him Rick, for anonymity's sake) compliments me on my nice distance.  The next thing I know, the on-field security lady is blowing her whistle at me and pointing, saying "you, there, yes you, come here!"

Flash forward to the cool part.  I get taken onto the field along with the twin from SMSU, with 50000 cheering screaming fans rooting me on.  I heard many a student yelling "DUUDE, you're my Hero!"  After being escorted out and told that if we came back to the game, we could be arrested for tresspassing, twin and I went back to my apartment to watch the game on TV.

Moments, yes moments, after walking in the door, I receive a call from (name is changed to protect identity) Rob, the other half of said twin.  He says, "We are getting you back into the game."  I say, "What?"  He says, "we're getting you back into the game."  I say "ok".

so to protect against getting arrested, the tiger tail and hockey jersey get left at home in exchange for a boring white tee shirt and a hat.  The two of us put some ink on our hands and smeared it around (as if we had gotten our hand stamped upon exiting the game), and walked a mile back to the game.  We flashed our stubs and our counterfeit hand stamps and walked back into the game.  The one problem was that we couldn't go back to our old seats.  Too risky. 

So I go sit up with my parents, who, being the detectives they are, noticed I completely changed my appearance.  They asked what happened to my jersey, and I said that I went home at halftime and took it off because it was too hot.  (it was at least 2 miles round trip, seriously, who would be too hot, and then run 2 miles in 15 minutes to lose a layer?)  The important thing is that they bought it, and we watched the fireworks together at the end of the game.  To this day, they don't know what really happened on that hot September day.

Enjoy the Orange Bowl tomorrow, and think of me!

PS-Orange you glad we weren't going to the Gator bowl?  That would have been more painful to sneak into the game! 

I recently bought Season 1 of my favorite tv show, "how i met your mother" on DVD, and while watching it, I realized why it is my favorite show.  But first, a flashback…

As some of my readers know, years ago, I spent a few days in a mental hospital recovering from, or more accurately protecting myself from my depression.  While in there, I was told that the doctors believed I was Narcissistic.  Now, out of all my memories from that place, that moment possibly stands out most.  It is a very strange feeling to hear that they thought I was narcissitic, when I was in there because I more or less hated myself and my life.  It very much puzzled me, and I think about that every now and again.  (interestingly enough I now hold a psychology degree-probably because I thought I could do it better than them!)

Anyway, I realized it is my favorite show because the show is about me.  I credit the writing for making all the characters very real, and the show is hilarious!  but mostly, I am the main character, Ted.

I am that hopeless romantic who wants to fall in love and get married.  He sees Robin and falls in love, confessing his love on the first date, and pretty much screwing everything up because he can't control the fact that his heart has already made up its mind.  in general, I could go through almost every episode right now and bring up an instance where it eerily relates to my life right now.

I titled this entry "so there is hope out there" because, obviously from the title of the show, Ted must eventually get married and have a family.

So, yeah, out of all the television series' I own (except "24" ) I pretty much like the show just because there is one or 2 characters that really reminds me of me. 

Okay Awesome, (which is actually the title of one of the episodes, but makes a good closing)

Mike 

Hello everyone,

It has taken me years to get out of the dark ages of not having a blog, but I have a good excuse.  LONG ago, I knew some people with blogs, and there were a few, shall we say, instances.  The people basically used them as a journal/diary, and vented all their frustrations on it.  They said some things that got back to other people very quickly and it was trouble from there.  After witnessing this a few times, I decided that Blogs were Bad, and that I would never have one.

Even though I have seen normal people with normal blogs for years since then, in my stubbornness I did not get one.  Today the sun has risen on a new blogger, and I welcome you to my site...  "Desert Time"  

In the future I will explain the name for my site, and also include many other great postings.  I vow to keep this site exciting and interesting, and if I fail, please feel free to ridicule and chastize me.   If anyone has any ideas for stories or adventures or anything that I have told that just have to go up on here, let me know.  I promise to include some poetry soon too, but the question is whether I can still write new stuff or if it will be some of my older awesome stuff up for all to see.

Okay, Awesome!

 ~Mike