Desert Time

One more week until my vacation.  It will be a time of rejuvinating my energy, reconnecting with family and friends and dog, and some healing.  I am still attached to the same girl after 11 months of wishing there was some sort of future.  we had a blast as friends but never got to be anything else.  At least I have the closure of knowing I tried my best and that she knows how i feel.  She is leaving for the convent, so I guess I move on.  If possible.  I still think that God is just bringing her there to change her mind about her true vocation.  

 I sometimes felt like I couldn't blog because I wanted to avoid this sort of topic, but that just led to no posts.  it was like the elephant in the room that everyone knew was there, but nobody talked about because it was awkward.  only i was the only one in the room, and I was staring at the elephant all the time while trying to think about other things to write about.  I will probably delete this post eventually, which i knot necessarily believe in, but sometimes these things happen.

Sometimes I feel like I am ready for a life that isn't ready for me yet.  

two things that keep me going are "right person, wrong time" and "she loves me, she just doesn't know it yet."  

A neighbor/friend came over the other day and talked to my roommate about being a father and husband.  the main point was that he can accomplish more now around the house than he could when he was single because of this "father strength" that comes from an unexplainable location.  today i found myself doing yardwork and thinking about that girl.  I could definitely tell a difference in my desire to work and my strength and skill when I thought of her being happy with the home I had made.  

About 2 weeks ago, I said goodbye for good.  (at least as far as we know).  she pulled into the driveway and i gave her a hug, then looked at her and the scariest thing popped into my head.  I may never lay eyes on this girl again-this girl who is the most beautiful and holy and pure and wonderful, this girl who i am in love with, and who changed and blessed my life.  And then i started crying.  A few days later, i realized that by thinking of that moment, of thinking that I may have gazed upon my true love for the last time, that I could make myself cry whenever I wanted.  (then I decided to go into acting because that is a talent most people do not have.)

So there it is.  I spoke about the metaphorical elephant in the room.  now i have cleared the air for much more normal topics like my house and vacations and my future and religion and everything the Lord has blessed me with.

Lastly, I must say.  Back in January, when it seemed like a relationship was not going to happen, I really wanted her to go away to the convent so she could get her answer and get her closure.  I figured if she did not, she would always wonder.  so in a way, this is what I wanted (as a sidenote, I want what is best for her.  I mean that if this did not happen she could never have fully been free, if that makes sense).  I just never thought it would truly happen, that she would want to but never go through with it.

Everything is on God's time, but its hard not to get caught up with the waiting.